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By Greg Mania
There is a never-ending debate between New York natives and longtime locals: depending on who you ask, other people will tell you that the only genuine New Yorkers are those born here; others live there for at least ten years to make the cut. I once read an article that addressed the factor in a concise sentence: “Being a New Yorker is a never-ending process to earn it. ” This followed a list of typical New Yorker qualities: buying a portion of the dollar at four in the morning, watching an outdoor movie screening in Bryant Park, walking past a celebrity without blinking, etc.
Of course, those features and reports help verify your standing as a true New Yorker, but I’m about to tell you how to cheat. I’m going to show you how to speed up the procedure to earn New York credibility, so that the next time you find yourself having an old argument with a native, you can shut down whoever tries to deny your authenticity.
Go see a psychic counselor while you cry (boosts your prestige as a true New Yorker by 35%).
Use your yoga mat to save you from the final subway doors so you can exercise (60%).
Put a cigarette in a student’s Lean kitchen (20%).
Take an open look in the middle of signing an email with “Best” (45%).
Drinking brunch and a baguette taxi (55%).
Google the word “aesthetic” sitting in a not unusual dining room with white walls and furniture that can only be described as “fun” (60%).
Respond to someone’s Craigslist ad for someone to practice their act of throwing a knife because you are under $ 100 in rent (45%).
Arrive for a job interview with the faint remnants of a club tampon in your hand (25%).
You smuggle granola bars into Soho House when your friend with a subscription invites you in because you know you can’t eat there (15%).
Get down to business and flirt with your co-painter (30%).
Apologize to your colleague, via email, for having “complicated things” and the rest of your life in mild discomfort (30%).
Who cares about your colleague ?! You have met new and cuter and now you are on a happy and healthy date with someone who is absolutely attracted to you, who has no emotional baggage and who remembers things like the way you drink your coffee (0%).
Launch a startup (55%).
Dip your hair in fake blood and rock your head back and forth in the High Line tourist rush hours (30%).
Agree to pay 4 more for 3 drops of CBD oil in your latte (25%).
Break your iPhone screen by swiping left on Tinder too temporarily (30%).
Move to L. A. (100%).
From “Born to Be Public”, through Greg Mania, from Clash Books.
It will be used in accordance with our policy.
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